Trust the Process

-
In 1980, Coach Herb Brooks led the U.S. hockey team to a victory over the seemingly unbeatable Russian team. In the movie Miracle, Herb pushes his team to trust the process and each other by repeatedly having them skate sprints after a tough loss. This was to teach them they could work together, trust each other, and far outwork what they thought they were capable of. They played each game leading up to the big one with passion, and although they wanted victory over the Russian team, they wanted to improve as a team and play together. Herb was not interested in building a team with the best players but rather the ones who would push hard and fight together. They had to trust the process.

The Philadelphia 76ers also used the idea of trusting the process as they rebuilt from the ground up in 2013 with General Manager Sam Hinkie. He was less concerned with the outcome and having a winning season than he was with growing a team that could make long term strides. He believed in  making the best decisions based on the information he and the team had. He led his team and the fans into believing it was about trusting the process, and it proved worth it.

I fully understand the idea of the process. It reminds me of running. When I was in high school cross country I would run in races for the purpose of finishing, the end result. It was about being first among the other runners, and I was pretty good. I could run a sub-six minute mile in the middle of a 5k race. I qualified for and ran in state finals. It is different for me now. When I run there is no competition, just the process. I am out there by myself with nothing but the creek rushing after the rain, the gravel under foot, and the crisp fall breeze in my face. Running is about taking the next step. It's about being present in the moment.

In college I hiked part of the Appalachian Trail as part of a class on personal development. I was given the responsibility of walking behind two gentlemen who were struggling to keep pushing forward. I would encourage them to keep plodding along until we could reach camp for the night. Sometimes I wish, as the gentlemen did, that I had no one so that I could stop and rest, or just quit and walk to the nearest road to be picked up and taken back. Sometimes I need someone to walk with me and remind me of the reason I am taking each step. I need someone to fight with and for me. I need someone to help me make the best decisions. I need to be reminded to listen to the sticks snapping under my feet, feel the sweat dripping down my face, and smell the damp wood from the rain the night before.

I can make many more analogies to what trusting the process looks like and what I need, but I am really struggling with what the process looks like in my life. I don't see the process in my own life because I don't see the progress in my life. I have a difficult time seeing the forward movement. Sure, I have made an effort to develop personal relationships, utilize honesty, and develop a broader concept of who I am and what I like. I am writing, reading, running, and looking into volunteer opportunities, but I'm still intensely depressed and have frequent thoughts of suicide and self harm. It's like walking in the dark. I know I am walking, but I don't see myself getting any closer to the light at the end of the tunnel, if it's not an illusion. 








Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Challenge By Choice

-
Image
Photo Credit: CLAS Ropes Course and Canoe Rental, Provo, UT I’d like to think I was compared to Robbie Knievel the other day, but I guess I should admit that my therapist was actually comparing the process of EMDR to Robbie Knievel's famous  Grand Canyon jump  (start at 35:35). Her analogy: Robbie used the throttle perfectly to make his jump across the canyon successful. If he pulled back on the throttle too much, he wouldn't have made it to the other side. I have apparently, well, obviously, been throttling back in my EMDR sessions. I know holding back is going to keep me from getting across my canyon, and  I don't want to be outdone by some badass daredevil who hit 92+ mph at the top of a ramp and dropped 45 feet down while gliding 228 feet across to a rough but successful landing (he broke his leg - "a mere flesh wound"). I can be a badass like him. When I was asked in a recent processing session if I thought I could keep going with EMDR, I thoughtfully conside
Read more

How to Flood Unit A4 With Style

-
Image
It has been a really long time since I watched the movie Castaway, but I know Tom Hanks was on a plane that crashed, leaving him the lone survivor on a deserted island. He befriended a volleyball, which he called Wilson, and he spoke with it as though attempting to hang on to sanity while also losing what little sanity he had left. I was just discharged after 3 weeks in a psychiatric hospital. The census was low (sometimes down to 5 when the unit holds 22), and that made it seem as though we were on a deserted island. We were unable to leave the unit so that there would be no chance of cross contamination between units if someone was diagnosed with COVID-19. This meant no trips to the courtyard, no trips to the cafeteria for meals (to also obtain unlimited quantities of coffee), and no use of the recreation room. For entertainment we were given a red soccer ball and Cornhole. Ironically, we named our red soccer ball just as Tom Hanks named his volleyball. "Corona" provi
Read more

Hibernation

-
During the most difficult time of year, the coldest months, some animals hibernate. Bats hibernate in the winter by finding an abandoned area and going into a state of torpor. This is where most bodily functions are slowed down to help them regulate their temperature. They can drop their heart rate down to as low as 10 beats per minute from about 600 beats per minute or more. Sometimes bats awaken and adjust their body temperature, but they continue in this state of torpor throughout the winter months. During the times I struggle most with depression and suicidal ideation I tend to hibernate away from people. I stop communicating what is going on and isolate myself so I don't have to explain how I feel, or even experience what is going on inside of me. It is part shame and guilt and part fear of the next possible step. You see, I have been in the hospital probably 30 times in the past three years. I am afraid of being away from my family or inconveniencing friends who need to tak
Read more