Don't Give Up

-
Sometimes I feel angry with my brother because he left this world so young. It is like he gave up too early. Cognitively I know it wasn't his decision, but I picture him in that hospital bed no longer fighting for his life.

From the time I was very young my brother started teaching me about mental and physical toughness and not giving up. I'm sure when that lesson started I was just the annoying younger sister who he just wanted to discourage from doing things that "girls don't do."

In a very hot and humid August the summer between my second and third grade year in school I told my family I wanted to play football. My brother told me I would never make it, and he told me what it was like to practice in the heat with all those pads on. Picture putting on your sweatpants and sweatshirt and running three miles. A couple minutes later I emerged from my room with my sweats on ready to run around the neighborhood three times (roughly three miles). I did it. I didn't give up. I wanted to prove that I had what it takes to be tough.

Several years later, the summer between 8th and 9th grade my brother came home on leave from the Air Force and heard I had signed up for Cross Country. I honestly had no idea what I had signed up for. I had no idea how many miles I would have to run in practice or races. I was told by my PE teacher in 8th grade that I was fast and should take up running. Probably my first three mile run since proving to my brother that I could play football that particular summer. My brother took me out for a run to show me what Cross Country would be all about. As I started to get tired he told me a couple things I would need for racing and life: "Don't stop. You can slow down, but don't stop." "Don't look down. Keep your head up and set a goal. Run to that goal and set another goal."

I have been thinking about my brother a lot lately. The one year anniversary of his death is quickly approaching, and the one year anniversary of my last hospitalization is approaching even more quickly. I want so badly to show him how hard I have pushed myself. I want him to see that I have not given up. I want him to see that I am running a negative split (when you run the second half of a race faster than the first half). I am focusing on the goal ahead of me, and when I get there, I look into the distance and find another one.

I am forever grateful for that first run on a hot August day that taught me I could do anything. I am forever grateful for the brother who convinced me that I can do anything as long as I push myself. His death has been devastating to me, but it may have put the fight back in me.

So, when giving up seems like the only option:
1. You can slow down, but you cannot stop moving.
2. Look up, set a goal, and don't lose focus on that goal. When you get there, set the next goal.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Why Now?

-
Image
My brother and I cut down a tree that had potential to fall and damage the shed and barn. We cut, split, and stacked the logs but left the brush in a large pile in the yard. Because it was green wood and brush, my brother, who was very intelligent but rather carefree and fearless, doused it in gasoline. He was standing about five feet away when he lit the small cardboard match. A deafening boom was heard, and the ground shook. I looked over at my brother, and he was laying on the ground about 15 feet away with singed arm hair, eyelashes, and eyebrows. One tiny match caused an instant, blazing fire. On another occasion, I had collected brush from around the farm in an effort to clean up the apple and apricot orchards. It was dry brush; perfect for a family campfire. A little newspaper at the bottom of the twigs and larger sticks and limbs at the top made for the perfect recipe. My brother struck the match, threw it at the newspaper, and the fire began growing steadily until it w...
Read more

2021: What in the Sam Hill Does it Mean to "Engage?"

-
Image
In case you did not get the memo, I have been away for "a minute," as the folks in Utah say quite frequently. I "dipped out" of Pennsylvania on December 28th to head to Annie's House in Draper, UT. It is one of the locations for Steps Recovery Center, owned by a very kind man named Ty (and co-owner Paul) with a rad Marketing Director, Kevin (I am sure I will talk about Ty and Kevin in a later post - those guys came in once or twice a week - and patiently smiled every time I said, "free weights?"). If you go to their website, you will see that it is advertised as a Drug and Alcohol Rehabilitation Center. It is that too. It actually helps almost anyone with almost all symptoms/self-destructive habits by treating mental health and trauma.  I mention the above to give a reason why my 2021 intention is coming a few months after January 1st but also why I have already been quite successful at working on it. So, to get this out of the way, "engage" ...
Read more

Challenge By Choice

-
Image
Photo Credit: CLAS Ropes Course and Canoe Rental, Provo, UT I’d like to think I was compared to Robbie Knievel the other day, but I guess I should admit that my therapist was actually comparing the process of EMDR to Robbie Knievel's famous  Grand Canyon jump  (start at 35:35). Her analogy: Robbie used the throttle perfectly to make his jump across the canyon successful. If he pulled back on the throttle too much, he wouldn't have made it to the other side. I have apparently, well, obviously, been throttling back in my EMDR sessions. I know holding back is going to keep me from getting across my canyon, and  I don't want to be outdone by some badass daredevil who hit 92+ mph at the top of a ramp and dropped 45 feet down while gliding 228 feet across to a rough but successful landing (he broke his leg - "a mere flesh wound"). I can be a badass like him. When I was asked in a recent processing session if I thought I could keep going with EMDR, I thoughtfully conside...
Read more