Journey

I attend a meditation group on Saturday mornings. It is my sangha. My community. It is a group of about 9 people with a teacher who instructs us to focus on our breath, our bodies, loving kindness for others, and compassion for ourselves. On occasion she will read a passage from a mindfulness book to give us an intention or thought to focus on throughout the day. One particular thought a couple weeks ago stuck with me. This is an old story that many have probably heard before but goes like this: Natives in Asia devised a plan to catch monkeys by drilling holes in coconuts large enough for the monkey to fit their hands into but small enough so that when they reach in to grab a banana left for them they cannot pull their fist out. The monkeys would reach into the coconut to get the bananas and because they were so intent on getting the banana out (but could not get their fists out) they would starve. The monkeys would starve, attempting to get the banana, not realizing that if they jus

A paradox is a contradiction or inconsistency that when scrutinized proves to be true. It also can provoke serious thought.   When I think of an example of a paradox I think about working out. People go to the gym to lose weight and get fit, and they find that they get fit but do not always lose the weight. Obviously this can still be healthy as muscle weighs more than fat, but it can be discouraging. Maybe this example doesn't promote serious thought, but here's another one: Less is more. How can this be true? I tend to consider my finances when I think of less being more. When my family has less to spend we tend to find things to do that promote greater connection while spending less money. Going out to a movie because you have an extra $50 doesn't create the same connection that playing Uno does. Going on an elaborate vacation doesn't communicate that I love my family any more than dancing in the living room to my son's choice of music. My life is a para

In 2015 I began a journey through SEVERE depression that almost claimed my life multiple times and led to more than 30 hospitalizations for up to 9 months out of the year each year. I have been hospitalized in multiple states and cities: Kingston, PA; State College, PA; Coatesville, PA; Lemont/Chicago, IL; Baltimore, MD; Washington D.C. I have been to generic psychiatric hospitals, trauma facilities, residential facilities, and eating disorder hospitals. I have had medication therapy, dance therapy, art therapy, group therapy, ECT - both unilateral and bilateral, cognitive behavior therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, EMDR therapy, and many more. In each hospital or each doctor's appointment the prescribers had different ideas about treatment and medication, and I found myself being ragdolled (yes, I know that is not a word - but I don't have a publisher to tell me I can't say it) through each treatment method. All of this medication chaos led to me taking up to about

Several months ago I sat through the Awana grand prix event watching my son's pine car race against other cars. I wouldn't normally attend Awana as children are not necessarily my socialization choice, but because it was the grand prix I wanted to support my son. There was a message before the grand prix started in which a man I have known my entire adult life spoke about salvation from sins. This man, Ken Rudolph, talked about how attempting to do good things cannot wipe away the slate of bad things you have done. He said that once you have sinned you must rely on the saving grace of God who can wipe your slate clean. True faith in God assumes that I know I am a sinner, I believe that Christ died and rose again to take on the punishment owed me, and that I live accordingly. Without accepting this as truth and Christ as my Savior I am stuck. Without a Savior, one sin, one bad thing, and I am condemned to hell. No matter how many good things I do to make up for it I can never