Journey

It was a dark and stormy night... Actually, I was sitting on the couch next to my husband staring at a therapist on the computer screen... The other day I was listening to a training video designed for therapists who work with individuals with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. There were several speakers including Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (a researcher and expert on trauma and its effects on the limbic system and body), Dr. Pat Ogden (a pioneer in somatic psychology for those with PTSD), Peter Levine (trauma Psychologist and developer of somatic experiencing), Dr. Ruth Lanius (director of the PTSD research center in Ontario, Canada), Dr. Dan Siegel (expert on interpersonal relationships and their effects on the brain, UCLA co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center), and Dr. Stephen Porges (Behavioral Neuroscientist and author of The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation ). I was particularly interested in th...

I took Paxil for six months starting in June 2005. I began tapering off of it the beginning of December that same year, and by January 2006, I was medication free. It was a difficult month of tapering. I was nauseous, dizzy, had headaches, and experienced what many call "zaps." It was as though my brain was getting shocked multiple times a day. It was relatively painless but annoying because I could not focus on anything, and if I moved my head or eyes too quickly, it was as though I was being punished for it. I also remember very vividly sitting in my bedroom with my heart racing, maybe hallucinating, considering suicide because the thoughts were so powerful, and wondering when the worst would be over. Paxil had only been in my life for six months. Many people who take anti-depressants, especially SSRI's (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) are on them for five years, or even ten before they can stop treatment or need a change in medications. It makes sense that tho...

1.    I was informed I was discharging from the Psychological Institute of Washington the day after I communicated with staff that I was planning to hurt myself. I felt fear and anxiety but lashed out in anger, turning it toward myself. I began hurting myself and trying to kick the magnetic door open. The doctor told me I could choose to stop and stay calm or continue and would be restrained and given a cocktail injection to be forced to calm down. I chose to sit with the discomfort of how I felt. This was the first time in a long time I had chosen to feel my feelings. It was extremely uncomfortable, but I realized it was possible that day. And, if it were possible that day, with no foreseeable solution, it could be possible any day. It reminds me of a quote by the Buddhist Master Shantideva, “If something can be done about the situation, what need is there for dejection? And if nothing can be done about it, what use is there for being dejected?” I could do nothing but stand...

I once wrote a suicide note. Only once. I have no idea what it said, but I know it was probably very conventional. "I love you. I'm sorry. It's not your fault." It probably had no address. I doubt I wrote, "Dear Tim and Ian." That was in the absolute most painful period of my life. There was no relief from the constant nagging of inner turmoil, grief, and hatred. I wanted out, so I wrote fast. I failed in my attempt to end my life. A friend of mine says that I am terrible at dying and should never try again. He actually told me a story of a person he knew who shot himself in the chest and missed every organ. This man had a hole in the front and a hole in the back. I told my friend that the man he spoke of was far worse than me, but I digress (and I am not sure too many people are really going to understand the humor I am using here).  I've never felt very far from where I started - holding a 9mm pistol to my head with the safety off only releasing the tr...

I am not a fine wine, craft beer, or perfectly aged whiskey. No, I am Prohibition Moonshine. Wine, craft beer, and perfectly aged whiskey have something in common. They have years of developing and perfecting flavor; top of the line production equipment; and knowledgeable Oenologists, brewers, and Maltmen or distillers.  I have always had a fascination with people defying authority; probably because I am not very good at it.  I mean, in order to have an operation to make whiskey from corn (and some barley), you had to figure out how to get loads of corn or corn meal into the deep woods where no one would find you (near water). You had to have a way to transport (bootleggers) gallons of Moonshine Whiskey to a location to sell it secretly (a speakeasy). You had to have the parts and know-how to run it all. You had to understand distillation which requires knowledge of temperature, which materials could withstand what temperatures, and the danger of making Moonshine. I suppose it...

I am going to need some grace on this. There is a concept known by many, and it has a few names. Probably the less abrasive one is Brene Brown's idea of foreboding joy. Everything is going really well, and fear strikes because you just know that something bad is going to follow; probably soon. The much more offensive term is "the fuckening," It has the same basic definition: "When everything is going too well and you don't trust it and some shit finally goes down...Ah, there it is, the fuckening."  You know, when you get a new landlord who cares about the building and starts making the repairs that have been necessary for a while. The hose that feeds water to the toilet tank gets replaced. You get up to pee at midnight, and it falls off and shoots a high-flying fountain of water all over you and the bathroom, creating a flood and soaking every towel in your house.  Or you get rid of the couch on the wrap-around porch and clean it up to make a nice place to s...

I was reading a book the other day about resilience and the factors involved in becoming resilient. As a matter of fact, the book is called  Resilience . One of the factors that the authors discussed was looking for meaning in difficult situations.   Probably the most resilient person I have ever read about to date is Viktor Frankl. He survived unimaginable torture in concentration camps and tells some of his story in his book  Man's Search for Meaning . Ultimately, he contradicted Freud's belief that motivation in life is driven by pleasure and Adler's belief that motivation is driven by power. Frankl believed wholeheartedly that our only motivation in life was directly linked to our meaning; the meaning we assign to ourselves. Before being sent to a concentration camp, he was treating patients who were suicidal. While in the concentration camp, he recognized that what was true for his patients was also true for him. He had a manuscript for a book that he was workin...