Journey

I was probably in kindergarten or first grade when my family decided to dig a big hole in the backyard to put in a pool. I learned over the course of that first summer to swim and became a great swimmer throughout my remaining years at home (we lived in four different homes with a pool at each place). I could swim laps with the endurance of a marathon runner, hold my breath under water for an extended period of time, and experiment with several types of dives or jumps from the side of the pool or the diving board. One thing I discovered was that doing front flips into the pool left me extremely disoriented for around 30 seconds. I would make this leap, flip through the air, slip into the water, and hope that I had adequate air in my lungs to float me to the top rather than sinking. Oddly, I really enjoy that feeling even if I can't swim immediately after hitting the water. Either way, being a great swimmer means nothing if you cannot figure out which direction to swim to get to...

My first experience with roller coasters was in 5th grade. I went to Cedar Point in Sandusky, OH with my best friend and her family. I hopped on this tiny, simple rollercoaster called the  Iron Dragon . Seriously, watch the video to see what a pansy I was. A couple years later I ended up at Cedar Point again with my sister and her family. I ended up riding on the Iron Dragon again, and I managed to venture to the  Blue Streak . It seemed so scary at the time, but it is literally a down and back wooden rollercoaster that goes up and down a few times. It wasn't a particularly rough or scary ride. After my experiences with roller coasters at Cedar Point, I managed to avoid pretty much every ride that required me to drop quickly. I don't particularly like the feeling of the contents of my stomach wanting to exit, and I certainly do not want to do something to intentionally cause that feeling! One day, to my horror, my brother told me that the freshmen trip during the fi...

I thrive on competition, and I get really discouraged by comparing myself with others. It can be psychologically excruciating. Striving for perfection throughout my entire life stems from the feeling that I have never been enough; I have never met my own expectations or my perceived experience of what I think others expect from me. Perfection certainly runs deep in my family. My husband still laughs about an incident that happened with my dad the week before we were married. I think it was my husband's first glimpse at what he was REALLY getting himself into with me (with the exception of getting mooned at the table on Thanksgiving before we were engaged). About two or three weeks before Tim and I were married in Michigan, there was a torrential downpour at my parents' house. A recent leveling of land two lots away from their house to rezone for a development had changed ground water drainage and flow, and the result was a river flowing into the backyard. The in-ground p...

I started my first ever intention in 2019. I wanted something more for myself after spending the past several years in hospitals. I did not want to set a resolution to be happy, lose weight, drink more water, or any of the other ridiculous things people come up with. I wanted to be kind and compassionate with myself. I wanted to understand what it is like to treat myself the way I try to treat others. The day I went public with my intention, I was sitting at my dining room table in misery. I was drinking cold coffee and thinking about how uncomfortably overweight I felt. I was hungry, but I refused to eat.  This year has been a spiral staircase of sorts. Each step is a step of progress because I am moving upward, but each step also brings me back around. Kindness, trigger, hatred, hard work, kindness, trigger, hatred, etc.  Six months into my intention I was able to highlight several areas in which I was making an effort to be kind toward myself: 1. I was spending m...

Have you ever eaten something so dry that it seems to get stuck somewhere in your esophagus? The esophagus starts to spasm to get the food down, and it is painful. You have to wait patiently for it to move back up the esophagus or all the way down to the stomach for the pain to stop. My Relationships with People and Myself It is no secret that I have been fighting with myself recently. My fight (or lack of fight?) seems to be a roadblock to CPT, and I have been chewing on this for a few weeks. This Tuesday, we stepped away from the script. We discussed which direction we need to move toward. The door was open to me for discussing my feelings. The problem is, the pain feels so intense I have no idea what I am feeling. I know I am sad. Really, really sad. I have a constant lump in my throat begging me to release the pressure valve. I also have this weight in my chest from not letting it go. I avoided that like I avoid the stomach flu: staying far, far away. I was also given the oppor...

I have lived in Factoryville for almost seven years now. I have run one of the same routes probably a hundred times over those years. I have a few favorite runs, but this one, the one past Keystone College is quiet and has options for extending or shortening the run depending on how I am feeling. About ½ mile from my house is a rough patch of sidewalk before you get to the college. The sidewalk itself is smooth, but the slabs are uneven. One sits higher or lower than the next making it unpredictable. You really need to pick up your feet and watch your step to make it through unscathed. Years of running this route has made it simple to navigate though. About three years ago, on a really hot summer day, I took off down the road carrying two water bottles and the idea that I would run until my body gave up. I think I was listening to music that day trying to get the negative self-talk out of my head when I hit that rough patch of sidewalk about ½ mile from my house. I took ...

Please Don't Judge Me For This My son watches Netflix in the mornings before school as he is getting ready. His latest selection is the epitome of a Hallmark Christmas movie. I am convinced it is only on Netflix because it does not have the typical 5 actors/actresses on Hallmark. It is called "The Knight Before Christmas" if you want to check it out. The knight was sent from the 15th century by a wise woman into the present year (2019) for a quest. The catch was that he did not know what the actual quest entailed. Without going into the logistics of the movie, he became discouraged because he had not identified the quest, and his time was almost up. He confided in a friend he made (who will probably end up being the modern day girl he marries - I wonder if she will go back in time with him or if he will stay with her...) that he felt like a failure as a knight. Her response was this: "Failure only happens when you give up." It is funny how something so p...