Journey

Matt and I spent very little time together when we were younger. He was older than I was and probably had no interest in an annoying snot-nosed little sister, but nevertheless, I thought he was awesome and did everything he said or did. He enlisted in the Air Force when he was seventeen, and several years later, in 2000, I moved to Pennsylvania to go to college. I graduated in 2004 but stayed to begin graduate school. In 2005 I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation, and I moved back to Michigan from Pennsylvania with the help of Matt and my parents. Matt asked me if I wanted to stay at his farmhouse in Lawrence, Michigan with his family and then cleared out a room on the second floor/attic for me to sleep. My room was at the top of the stairs in a side room with no doors; my nephew, Lane, slept in his crib on the other side of the stairway in an open room; my young niece, Samantha, had a large bedroom adjacent to both Lane's and my rooms. My brother and sister-in-law slept in the ...

When I'm not hiding, I am living. I have been without a hat for months at a time because, for various reasons, most hospitals and residential facilities don't allow people to wear them, but Annie's House did not have a policy like that. Without a doubt, my hat came with me to Utah. It has literally been everywhere I have been for the past 15+ years. I love that thing (Yes, I have more than one, but I have a favorite.) Wearing my hat makes me happy, but most of the time I wear it because I feel hidden and safe. As much as I have treated my hat(s) as just another article of clothing, I knew I needed some separation when I went to Utah. I traveled across the country to plunge into some heavy vulnerability, and wearing a hat would have been a physical sign that I was not truly ready to do the work I needed to do. But, I confess I did wear it twice. My First Offense:   On one particular Friday, I put my hat on and walked into the dining room with my coat in preparati...