Journey

I have lived in Factoryville for almost seven years now. I have run one of the same routes probably a hundred times over those years. I have a few favorite runs, but this one, the one past Keystone College is quiet and has options for extending or shortening the run depending on how I am feeling. About ½ mile from my house is a rough patch of sidewalk before you get to the college. The sidewalk itself is smooth, but the slabs are uneven. One sits higher or lower than the next making it unpredictable. You really need to pick up your feet and watch your step to make it through unscathed. Years of running this route has made it simple to navigate though. About three years ago, on a really hot summer day, I took off down the road carrying two water bottles and the idea that I would run until my body gave up. I think I was listening to music that day trying to get the negative self-talk out of my head when I hit that rough patch of sidewalk about ½ mile from my house. I took ...

Please Don't Judge Me For This My son watches Netflix in the mornings before school as he is getting ready. His latest selection is the epitome of a Hallmark Christmas movie. I am convinced it is only on Netflix because it does not have the typical 5 actors/actresses on Hallmark. It is called "The Knight Before Christmas" if you want to check it out. The knight was sent from the 15th century by a wise woman into the present year (2019) for a quest. The catch was that he did not know what the actual quest entailed. Without going into the logistics of the movie, he became discouraged because he had not identified the quest, and his time was almost up. He confided in a friend he made (who will probably end up being the modern day girl he marries - I wonder if she will go back in time with him or if he will stay with her...) that he felt like a failure as a knight. Her response was this: "Failure only happens when you give up." It is funny how something so p...

"Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable - it's the total opposite of owning our story and feeling worthy. In fact, the definition of shame that I developed from my research is: "Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. "    ~Brene Brown  According to Brene Brown, shame is being afraid of who we are (not owning our story) and feeling unlovable to others. Shame is believing that we are a mistake or that we are not good. Shame is not just our own beliefs about ourselves but our perception about what others believe about us. Shame is paralyzing, ugly, and violent. In session 5 of Cognitive Processing Therapy, I found myself in what seemed like two different worlds from start to finish. I think the beginning of the session was probably out of what would be considered typical protocol. Usually we review the work I have been doing throughout the week, but we spent...

The Skill I started playing soccer my freshman year of high school. It had been a passion of mine for years, but the opportunity never arose for me to play until then. I showed up to tryouts about one week after having ankle surgery and demonstrated an incredible lack of ball skills besides. Somehow, I made the soccer team. My coach saw me as tenacious, teachable, and quick on my feet with "go-go-gadget legs" as my college team would eventually say. One of the things I learned to do quite quickly was slide tackle. I loved everything about this skill. I could strip the ball from almost anyone and be on my feet instantly; running down the sideline before most of my opponents knew what had happened. Unfortunately, slide tackling on dry ground or turf can be extremely painful. I have had turf burns on my upper thigh/hip more than once. Friction from the ground burns the first few layers of skin off and leaves a very tender abrasion that stings for up to several weeks (especia...

I discharged from my last hospitalization in Washington, D.C. on May 5, 2018. Since that time I have been seeing my current therapist multiple times per week. For several months I would be in her office three times per week, maybe even four times a time or two. Currently, I sit on the couch in her office two times per week trying to express where I am and what I need, or avoiding expressing those things. On Tuesdays I work directly on trauma-focused therapy through CPT (as you know), and on Fridays I am able to work through other parts of my past, present, and future. I like to think of my Friday sessions as the "in-betweens" right now. For the first two weeks after starting CPT I pulled back on Fridays. I felt overwhelmed and consumed and could not dig deeper than humor, minor life events or activities, and stories. But, the more I backed away, the worse I felt. I tend to get overwhelmed, engage in negative coping skills, and then communicate that I "have a lot going ...

In graduate school I had a very intelligent professor who taught Statistics. He was so intelligent that much of the time he did not speak in a language that his students could understand. I tutored many of the other students in my class, but there was one student who did not come in for help. This was his second time taking Statistics, and I think he had all but given up. It was like there was a heavy fog between what the professor was saying and what he was hearing. It was impossible for him to comprehend both the equations and the instances when those specific statistical equations should be used (it may have been that he was on ESPN.com as well). He did not speak or understand the language. Session four for me was a lot like sitting in Statistics class for my classmate. At the start of session four, my therapist and I (my therapist and me? - see below for the reason I have no idea what to write here) went over a few of my ABC sheets from the previous week. The activating ev...