Journey

Depression has often been talked about as though it is a dark cloud hanging over your head. The commercial I remember best was a Zoloft commercial many years ago. I perceive this cloud as preventing me from seeing the blue sky and sun, but it is not the only cloud I experience in my life relative to depression and suicide. There are several types of clouds. They may be light and wispy, thick but spaced, large and looming, or a complete covering. In my own life I have found that thinking about where I am in terms of clouds helps me determine the level of severity in my depression and suicidality. It has been a little over 15 months since my last hospitalization. I started my month-long stay in a local hospital, and I was transferred to a highly specialized facility in Washington, D.C. Things were pretty grim back then. I struggled in many ways to keep myself alive when I had no desire to live. At that time I was experiencing some dense, heavy and overwhelming clouds. I have accepte...

As I have mentioned before, I joined a gym in March of this year. It was a step toward making myself a better person. Sure, I wanted to lose weight, get fit, and build lean muscle, but more importantly I wanted to improve my emotional well-being and work toward becoming mentally tough like I used to be. It's not that I do not have mental toughness now, but I do not remember using the phrase "I can't" very often when I was younger. In the past 5 months I have accomplished much more than I anticipated. I am faster, stronger, thinner, more persistent, and mostly fearless when it comes to workouts. More importantly, sometimes I say that I cannot do something, but I suck it up and try. More often than not I am actually capable of doing what I did not think I could do. When I cannot do something I wish I could do I get frustrated, but it makes me want to work harder. Today I attempted to row 2000 meters in 7 minutes. I was not able to do it, but I plan on getting there. I k...