Journey

Sometimes I have conversations in my head that I should not have out loud. It may seem at times like a critical voice, but in reality it is just a general editor. When people say things that do not make sense, I tend to reword their sentences quietly. When people say a word incorrectly, I repeat it correctly several times. It is kind of obsessive and compulsive really. My husband pronounces compass and monster in a way different than I do, and every time he says them I get the little voice in my head saying them the way I have always pronounced them. No sound comes out, my lips don't move, but my tongue repeats the motions over and over. My thoughts about other things happen the same way. I repeat things over and over in my head until I can resolve them in a satisfactory way. A conversation I had earlier in the day sometimes gets replayed ten to twenty times while I try to figure out what I should have said. I'm not a great conversationalist, and many times I don't say wh...

My Father-in-law and I were talking about coffee the other day. We established that a good cup of coffee starts out strong and bitter with the first couple sips. If it starts out that way, by the next few sips it begins to taste perfect.  Strong but the kind of sensation that gives you chills throughout your body as you drink it down to the last flavorful drop. Life's challenges are a bit like this. They start out bitter and overwhelming and gradually as you practice gratitude and mindfulness things begin to become not only tolerable but even, shall I say, flavorful. I have begun to notice the different sensations of life. Each activity has its own feeling associated with it. Not just affect but a cognitive response as well. Running with people is different than running by myself, and running is a completely different experience than the meditation class I am part of. When I run by myself I am aware of my surroundings in a serene kind of way. Everything around me just is. It do...

I have been reading a few different books about trauma: Neurobiology and the Treatment of Traumatic Dissociation and The Body Keeps the Score. Both books discuss the components of trauma and post traumatic stress disorder, the process occurring in the brain of someone with trauma and dissociative tendencies, and treatment of this difficult diagnosis. Picture the person ahead of you in a car stopping suddenly and you reacting by hitting the brakes without thinking. This is the immediate processing of your senses through the Thalamus sending signals to the Amygdala to react. It is fight or flight. Your heart beats fast and breathing may accelerate. Adrenaline is sent quickly throughout your body. Very shortly after the initial fight or flight response the Prefrontal Cortex gets the information and we can have a more logical response. It is at this point that we can normally begin to calm. Additional hormones are sent to our body to help us calm down. This is normal. For many peopl...

Maybe I should take inventory every day of my blessings and the things I am thankful for, but since it is the season of thanksgiving I have been reflecting a little extra. It has been difficult this year as it has the past several years. In 2016 I didn't even spend Thanksgiving at home. I was at a residential facility in Chicago, Illinois. That was the season I was most thankful for hot coffee. That first sip every morning was the one thing I knew I could look forward to every day. It would send these warm chills through me and seemingly change my perspective for the day. It made each morning worth getting up despite the cold. That brings me to the other thing and person I was thankful for in that season of my life. Chicago is cold, very cold in late November. One of the women I grew to have a relationship with was discharging and gave me her coat and hat. Walking in the cold wasn't nearly so bad after that. I will tell you the following to explain why I don't know w...